Madman Overboard
by Indigo Code
Summary: Human!Portal characters on a cruise. Drunk!Wheatley, Talkative!Chell, and Sing-along-songs! Rated T for alcohol. Based on a weird dream I had once.


_"... Slllliiide to the right!_

_Slllliide to the left!_

_Take it back now y'all!_

_Cha cha now y'all…"_

That cyclic song blared through the speakers of the party deck, never seeming to dwindle away for the next tune, causing Chell to groan jadedly with her hands rubbing her eyes. She didn't really have a liking for… _this_ kind of music. All she wanted was a nap, being dragged around from amusement activity to amusement activity throughout the cruise ship. But it was either leave with her friend, or don't leave at all. So she stuck with the latter until she would eventually meet with the lumbering moron. He couldn't be _that_ far from the serving tables, could he? She took another sip from her Sprite as she thought over the possibilities.

"Oh, it's you."

Pivoting her head towards the source of the sardonic welcome, Chell faced the albino-skinned woman who called herself by the name of GLaDOS with an identical poker-faced glare.

"I thought you didn't like obnoxious parties." Chell muttered under the noise of the rowdy crowd.

"Well, I have to deal with you on a regular basis. So I guess I can adapt." GLaDOS hissed back, drumming her glossy, manicured fingernails on the navy table cloth. Heat began to surface on Chell's cheeks at the offhand comeback, although she heard quite a lot of her witticisms before.

"Why are you here?" She spat, already fed up with the woman's attitude.

"They said I 'work too hard', and forced me to take my leave. You didn't think I'd aboard this… waste of my time for my own _enjoyment_, did you? Now, why are _you_ here?"

Chell hurriedly glimpsed away, making an effort to not let her see the annoyance on her face.

"It was free."

A soft, yet ominous chuckle arose from GLaDOS' throat, raising the tiny hairs on the back of Chell's neck.

"So… the lunatic's unsociable _and_ she's stingy."

Rolling her eyes, Chell reached for the purple cupcake on the orange plate before taking a small bite out of it.

"Aren't you on a diet?"

"Don't you have someone else to criticize?"

"I don't see a more deserving individual other than you."

Chell had enough. Smoothing out her cerulean evening dress, and wiping the purple frosting from the corners of her mouth, she clutched her handbag to prepare for a trip back to her cabin.

"Where's the imbecile?"

She then collapsed into her seat, banging her head melodramatically on the table. He still wasn't here. Chell was about ready to gather her things and go on her merry way without him. But that wasn't what she promised; she had to keep her promise.

_"ALLLLRRRIGHT_, Y'ALL! WHO'S READY TO _MAKE SOME SCIENCE?!"_ The deejay hollered to his already overhyped audience, receiving a deafening, unharmonious cheer.

As if instantaneously, the deep techno pounding of a bass blasted through the chaotic air, following shrill voices squealing out the ridiculous lyrics of the song.

_"Making science! Making science!"_

_Oh, no…_ Just what Chell needed – another headache to fuss about. How ever-so _lovely._

"Please make it stop…" Chell grumbled, her head in her hands. Maniacal laughter accompanied the jarring tune, presumably from GLaDOS, the person who wouldn't miss any moment of witnessing Chell in intense discomfort.

_"It's time for testing!"_

_ Making science! Making Science!_

_Cubes and lasers placed in chambers_

_Ready for subjects to solve the tests_

_(She's awake agaaaaaaiin!)_

_Sleep mode OFF!_

_Now here we go!_

_With all my tests we're – _

_MAKING SCIENCE NOW!"_

"THAT'S IT. WHERE IS HE?" Chell slammed a fist onto the table, sending the cupcake flying. Using some kind of special optical powers that she wished she had right now, she scoped for that unpunctual idiot from her seat with absolutely no success.

"Aw, are you running late for your doctor's appointment about your –"

"SHUT IT, GLADOS."

_"Bloody hell!_ GET YOUR HANDS OFF _MEEEE!"_

The panicked shrieking of a Brit reverberated through Chell's ears, causing her to whip her head in the direction of the stage, and causing her to witness a disquieting sight.

The lanky-legged man tried his very best to keep his shorter companion from dragging him onstage any further, resulting in black shoe-streaks across the hardwood. His cussing slurred inarticulately into one, massive run-on sentence as he flailed the empty bottle of…

Oh, crap.

_Who gave Wheatley alcohol?_

_"Ahhh_, c'mon, Wheat Thins. This is your part of the _sooooong!"_ His shorter companion whined behind him as he pushed his buddy to the edge.

_"IswearRickIwillthrowyouoverboardifyouforcemetosin g!" _

Rick only snorted loudly at the drunken Wheatley, who fumbled laughably with the empty bottle in his hands.

_He's going to pass out any second!_ Chell worried inwardly, feeling the need to rescue her friend. But GLaDOS hand made a handcuff around her wrist.

"Wait – _I want to see where this is going."_ A devilish smirk embellished across her mannequin features. Chell would've thrown her wrist over, breaking free to help her friend, and smack the crap out of the one who gave him alcohol. But she only sat back down. She too had a strange curiosity for what was about to happen.

"RICK! _RICKYOUBL-BLOODYLITT-TLE…"_

Chell sworn she could've heard someone's sanity snap in two when Wheatley's somewhat sober-ish expression twisted into a madman's toothy grin. A grin that only could've fitted… _"an elongated Cheshire cat"._

To add more nuttiness to this Dr. Jekyll–Mr. Hyde moment, the same man who threatened to toss Rick off the boat if he forced him to engage in an unforeseen game of karaoke… began to sing along.

_" I caaan't belieeeve what's happening to me…_

_I'm innn control… of the faciiility… " _His own childish giggling interrupted him. He sighed, clutching his side in exaggeration.

_"… Oh, that's – that's tiring…"_

The rosy tint in Chell's cheeks drained away, leaving a sickly washed-out pigment. This entire situation left her in a full-blown state of shock. This hilarious, yet absurd situation was too much for her to process through her usually serious-minded thoughts.

" _Won't they be impressed I'm not a moron?_

_See how I change this peaceful test into something that'll _kill_ this _pest! "

_What the hell's with these lyrics?!_

_"… Hm…_

_Well, compliments from me to you_

_Heh, I can't believe you actually made it through!_

_Now would you just stay there please?_

_I'd like to introduce you to…"_

At the sight of the drunkard stumbling on his feet, Chell made a dash from her seat and towards the stage.

_"Huh?_

_Nonononono! Do come back!_

_Fine – Nope! Don't meet him then_

_It's _'Mister Mashy'_ the spike-plate_

_He'd like to…"_

_CLAP!_

_"'Reduce your weight'! _

_Heheh, little joke there…"_

Wheatley then collapsed onto the wooden flooring, dead-as-a-doornail – Heh, no – _out-cold_. Chell hurried up the steps, looking over her comatose comrade, before grabbing him by the ankles and dragging him off the platform.

GLaDOS soon joined her, followed by Rick. Chell glared daggers at poor, ol' Rick as she towed Wheatley across the deck to a predetermined location. Gently as she could, she set him down to rest for a bit, knowing that this was gonna' be a long night.

"Did you give him the alcohol?" She demanded, brushing the stray strand of hairs away from her eyes.

"Well, I bet him a few that he could stay the whole night without passing out. I guess I _wooon!"_ Rick praised himself, just before Chell raised her hand and slapped him square in the face. Shielding his raw cheek, Rick continued to cackle wildly over his triumph.

"I should've known it was _you! _You made him like – like _this!" _Chell berated him, furiously gesturing to Wheatley to emphasize his condition.

"Hey, lighten up, angel-face. The worst that's gonna' happen is Sunday Mornin'."

"You either help, or you _leave."_

"Alrighty then… J-Just wait a sec!" Rick dug into Wheatley's front pocket, pulling out a leather, black-and-white wallet adorned with the Union Jack. After drawing fifty bills from it, he threw the wallet carelessly onto Wheatley's face, and tucked the money into his shirt pocket.

"A deal's a deal."

_"Just go…"_

"As you wish, pretty-lady." He teasingly bid his adieu, sauntering back to the party.

With the help of GLaDOS grabbing a hold of his wrists, they managed to drag Wheatley another couple meters, stopping when they overheard a familiar, mindless giggle.

"Who… Who… _Whoo_ _are_ _yyyoou?_ _III've_ n-n-n-n-never _ssseeen_ _youu_ before…"

GLaDOS stared down at him, completely mute, eyes seething with pure enragement.

_"Heh – Heheh – Heheheh…YYYou _never t-t-t-t-t-told me you'd _bbbee_ _prrrreeeeettttaaaaahhhOWOWOWOW!" _Wheatley cried in pain as she tightened her fists, crushing his wrists with excruciating power. She laughed callously at this, before releasing, allowing his head to bash against the floor with a dull _"THUNK!"_.

"Over here," GLaDOS instructed, gravitating to the side of the deck until they faced the metal, restraining bars.

"This isn't where the cabins are." Chell noted, fatigue tugging at her throat.

"I know. Now shut up, and help me throw him over the railing." GLaDOS replied, hoisting Wheatley up to the bars.

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO KILL HIM." Chell grabbed Wheatley's sleeve protectively.

"What? He can _swim."_

"NO." Tossing him on her shoulder, Chell trudged to the cabin rooms, hoping to finally call it an end to this inexplicable night.

**Making Science belongs to Harry Callaghan. Best song ever. XD**


End file.
